


It's Okay to Feel Nothing

by noyanishi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 03:48:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5482232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noyanishi/pseuds/noyanishi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oikawa has depression, Iwaizumi helps him through it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Okay to Feel Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of just something that I know I needed to write, and it helped me a little bit. It's plotless, but I think that's okay.
> 
> (Written for not only myself, but aobabe as well. I hope this helps you too.)

He feels the weather before he sees it, which doesn’t make much sense to Iwaizumi but that doesn’t matter. Oikawa feels the way the snow hits the ground like it’s a ton of bricks hitting his body, weighing him down until he feels as heavy as his thoughts and he can’t be bothered to do anything. His room is warm but he’s frozen to the bone, the feeling of the fleece blanket being pulled over him by Iwaizumi not giving him physical warmth, but emotional warmth. It’s the only thing he notices.

He felt it was going to be a bad day before he saw the snow hit the ground; before he saw the frost on the trees. Maybe on another day it would look as beautiful to him as it has before, but at that moment it only felt like another reminder. A reminder that more bad days were to come; good ones fewer and far in between.

He felt it would be a bad day when he heard the front door open, heard Iwaizumi’s voice along with his mothers, and saw the time on the clock beside his bed. Iwaizumi never came to his house before 9am on a weekend unless he thought it might be a bad day. He was never wrong.

When he comes into Oikawa’s room, he doesn’t make a sound. He doesn’t fake a friendly greeting, he doesn’t make a pitiful noise. He doesn’t tell Oikawa that it’s okay. He walks over to the desk chair and grabs the blanket. He drapes it over Oikawa and sits beside him, waiting to hear what was needed of him.

Oikawa pulls him down; gently pulls him onto the bed that barely holds room for one. He waits until Iwa lays down and then his body is right there, he curls himself into Iwaizumi’s chest and rests his head to hear the familiar heartbeat. It’s calming to hear proof that his boyfriend is alive, calming to hear his heart beat as much as Oikawa wishes his own heart wouldn’t beat at all.

He knows that Iwaizumi is probably falling off the edge but neither of them seem to mind too much. Iwa puts his arm under Oikawa’s head and just lays there, using the other hand to stroke his hair. It’s a gesture that he stared doing one day and it gives Oikawa a sense of reassurance, that he isn’t alone no matter how much he sometimes thinks he might be. Iwaizumi lays until he feels Oikawa stop hunching himself into a ball that’s as small as he feels and he waits until he feels him relax, breathing steady and eyes closed, falling asleep. Iwaizumi doesn’t expect him to be happy when he wakes up, but he’s glad that he’s getting more rest.

 

When Oikawa _does_ wake up, it’s not that much later. Iwaizumi is half-asleep but as soon as Oikawa stirs his eyes are open and alert. Oikawa gives him a weak smile and Iwa stands up.

“Breakfast?” It’s the first verbal communication shared between them that morning, which is obvious with the way the sound scratches out of Iwaizumi’s throat.

Oikawa nods blankly, his eyes not focused on anything in particular. He doesn’t say exactly what he wants, but Iwaizumi knows anyways. When Oikawa finally looks him in the eyes there isn’t much emotion behind it, but Iwa understands, and Oikawa is thankful for that.

Iwaizumi presses a kiss to Oikawa’s forehead before he leaves the room and Oikawa leans into it; he closes his eyes and lets the feeling linger even after he hears the door shut.

He knows that he should probably get up, that he should shower or put on clothes or _something_ but his entire body screams at him with fatigue even though he had just slept for 11 hours. Oikawa knows he smells like stale sweat and deodorant, that his hair is greasy and needs washing, that his teeth aren’t clean and his mouth tastes like a graveyard but he doesn’t get up, he _can’t_ get up even if he might want to.

He sits there, hears faint sizzles from the frying pan in the kitchen, sees the light grow stronger from the open crack of his blackout curtains. He thinks about too much and absolutely nothing all at once. His brain hurts and he wants to do something so it will stop.

He finally pushes himself up from his bed, his limbs as heavy as lead. It takes him a little too long to make his way from his room through the door to the couch in the living room, but he does it with little physical strain. He sits down just as Iwaizumi brings him a little bowl filled with small pieces of bacon and he smiles. Maybe not externally, but he feels like he should.

Iwaizumi grabs the remote from the table and sits beside Oikawa, bringing a knitted throw over them both. He turns on the television and opens Netflix, and he brings up the stupid show that Oikawa likes to watch because it makes his brain stop thinking.

Oikawa mindlessly eats the little pieces of bacon as he stares blankly towards the TV. He isn’t even paying attention really, and Iwaizumi is looking at him out of the corner of his eye more than he’s looking at the screen.  

Oikawa sighs a little bit and looks out the window. Outside looks pure and white, beautiful by other’s standards, depressing by Oikawa’s.

He starts to cry.

There’s no real reason behind it, just his body letting out the frustration and the sadness and the sheer nothing he’s felt all morning. It turns into a quiet sob and he covers his face with the blanket. The tears run noiselessly down his face and he shakes in a way that only he can feel.

Iwaizumi doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t tell Oikawa to shush, or that everything will be okay. He doesn’t say he understands. He brings Oikawa’s head into his chest and he wraps his arms around him. He gives small kisses in between the silent shaking, all over Oikawa’s messy hair and his oily skin. He shows Oikawa that he loves him, that he’s there.

He loves Oikawa through the parts where Oikawa can’t love himself.

Oikawa doesn’t suddenly feel better. He feels hurt and sad and exhausted while feeling nothing at all, but at least he knows that he’s not doing it by himself. He knows that Iwaizumi will be there for him when he can’t be there for himself.

Oikawa doesn’t suddenly feel better, but he knows that he doesn’t have to.


End file.
